the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
