I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
