I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
