My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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