2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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