I love black thongs
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
