OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize