cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
