the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
