im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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