That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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