I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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