her vagine was all disorganized.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
