Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
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