this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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