i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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