im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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