Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
