i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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