Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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