So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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