i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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