Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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