The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
