fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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