just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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