This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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