Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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