singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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