I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
