if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
