I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
