im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
