I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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