I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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