i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
