i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize