I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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