so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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