i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
