Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
