You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
