Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have feelings that need drinking.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize