Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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