If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
