is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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