I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
