He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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