I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
