that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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