I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
