There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
