The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
