I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
