Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
