The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
