P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
