she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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