Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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