He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
