I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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