after a month anything with tits is on the radar
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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