is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
