i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
