i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize