Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
