I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's blow job season.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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